1L Sketch #1: Dead (the leaf)

January 18, 2014

What a dumb little game I played today

No more conscious than the leaf

that claps back and forth in the wind

in the alley between my neighbor’s yard and the firehouse

Dead

(the leaf)

I took advantage of myself in a weakened state

I took off my pants

I knew

I slept

She lay there asleep

I woke her up

I told her I would avoid her for the next several weeks because of how depressed I would be at my lack of self-control and forethought. That it wouldn’t be awkward, it just wouldn’t be anything. And the thought of how utterly dead and blasé I would be about the entire thing would plunge me further into a kind of despair that I still wouldn’t feel, not really, because I just don’t feel things anymore, really. She didn’t say anything for awhile. Mostly because I  didn’t say any of that. I didn’t even know it at the time. So she sat there and it galled me that she could be so robotic at a time like this, when there was so much we weren’t saying, so much we didn’t know.

I walked out her front door when we both knew.

Well, after I did. But she’s smart.

I didn’t remember her hallway being so long.

I didn’t even remember she had a hallway.

I looked around for some reason, focused on details the way you do when you know you’re doing something for the last time.

I grabbed the door knob.

I couldn’t remember if I’d locked her door behind me. She was asleep again now, and hadn’t moved much since.

I had a pen on me; maybe there was something I’d forgotten not to say. I looked down the yawning brownish tunnel of her average Buffalo three-unit vestibule, straining my eyes past the eight or so feet of floral carpet and radiators I’d definitely forgotten she had, to see what type of doorknob I’d just closed, and tried to remember what things I knew to be true about doorknobs. I reached a satisfactory conclusion that regardless of what I knew or saw I would tell myself she had a doorknob that locked automatically as you shut it.

Except I didn’t even say that.

I just left.

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