Who can say no to this man?

November 7, 2013

This is yet another (see earlier posts) booking email from Sid Selleck, manager of the Fucking Hotlights, to a band in Milwaukee. Again, asking for a gig. Again, real and unsolicited. P.S. It seriously starts this way, cold-call:

Have you ever seen the scene in Speed where Dennis Hopper is in a standoff with Keanu Reeves, but they still can’t see each other, and Dennis Hopper is holding this weird detonator thing in his hand, and they keep doing these close-up shots of his hands to provide suspense by showing the detonator and also set up the importance of his watch later in the film, and even though you sort of know why they’re doing it it’s still super awkward because Hopper’s hands are so old and crinkled and kind of liver-spotted already, and the way he’s holding the detonator kind of makes it looks like he’s holding a squat silver penis in his hands, just rubbin’ one out on the high of having the stoner kid from the River’s Edge just where he wants him, all over again, but now it’s the ’90s and maybe a person could get into something like that without it hurting his career too much (although this is still Hollywood, we’re talking about, and Hollywood has always been about 8 steps less forgiving or radical than it’s national impression – which seriously, how much sense does that make: treating one of the most middle-of-the-road, skim-milk, patsy crap centers of status quo thought as though it’s a den of sin – or worse, that puddle of milk treating itself as though it were the national vanguard) and he also figures ‘hey, I’m in an elevator… fuck it, right?’ ’cause he always probably (if he’s like me, definitely) got that weird feeling in his balls when the elevator went down real fast or somebody drove a car too quickly over a sharp hill, and he wants to bring out that extra danger-sex aspect of it, to just create this total face-melting Keanu-Neo gravity-hibitionism ball blast to end his shitty life and shitty career – because honestly, cops get fucked over in situations like this – and so he’s just sort of going at it with this detonator and you’re watching like ‘what the fuck even IS this movie’ and then finally Sandra Bullock shows up in her one good role ever to keep you from feeling so gay about everything?

 

One of my faves, dude. Wildcat scene was pretty tits, too.

 

Anyways, you wanna play a show with the Hotlights in Milwaukee on September 30th? Preferably not in that tin can money pit you booked for them last time (not a deal breaker)? I mean, they’re coming through on tour so they’ll be there anyways. Might as well find some excuse to get fucked up and pet the cat, right? Let them know.

 

Seriously, do NOT attempt to contact me. Just talk to those kids. Or fuck it, you can e-mail me, but if I hear a know on my door I’m shootin’, and I’m a dead shot.

 

Salut,

 

Sid Selleck

Manager, The Fucking Hotlights

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